The Biggest Mistake Men Make During Sex
The Biggest Mistake Men Make During Sex
When I first sat down to write this article, I thought the same thing you probably did when you read the title… the worst mistake that men make during sex is forgetting about the clitoris!
And while I agree that this is very true, for this particular article, I want to talk about his pleasure.
One of the most wonderful and eye-opening things I did as a sexual educator was interviewing everyday men about their sex lives: their preferences, kinks, mishaps, insecurities and secret hot spots. To my great surprise, no two interviews were alike! Each had their own sexual map and hurdles to overcome. I realized I had been making the grave mistake in my sex life of assuming that men were one-size-fits-all, when in reality, their pleasure was just as tailored as my own.
Then I thought more deeply about this oversight and realized that not a single partner had led me to believe anything different.
And theirin lies the biggest mistake that men make during sex: very few communicate their preference of pleasure.
We all know the scene: a quiet night with dim lights and pungent smells. A woman on her knees worshipping a lover with squinted eyes and a pained expression. She has to glance up every so often to ensure his heavy breath is from pleasure and not because he has fallen asleep. Eventually, he beckons her up and out of this position to change the activity and she is left wondering about the incomplete mission.
Later, she asks if he liked it and he brushes the conversation away like a loose leaf. She assumes what she did is fine and he settles with that grade of quality as well. The scenario repeats and both people forget that better is always just a bold exchange away.
Of course there is a great-deal of stigma smothered along this problem: 1) Our society does very little to encourage men to speak up, especially while laying down, 2) Very few men are raised to talk honestly about their sex lives with friends/ family let alone with their partner and 3) Traditionally women are the ones to make sounds of euphoria during sex and men lean on the strong silent end of the spectrum.Those who do moan run the risk of being labelled effeminate.
But even though it’s understandable why many men don’t talk about their pleasure without strategic prodding, it is also not an excuse for living with sub-par sex. Just like the squeaky wheel gets the oil, the squawky lover gets the results.
So, if you are a man reading this and wondering how to fix the problem, don’t worry—I am going to give you a few options on how you can start the dialogue using either your mouth or your body.
Make sounds. It’s okay, we want to hear from you
Some people believe moaning is an involuntary response, but au contraire. Many people train themselves or force themselves to make sounds in the moment. Not only does it make sex cooler, sounds are also an incredibly useful road map for your partner to follow. When you like something, you get louder and when you don’t, you get quieter. These verbal cues help an astute partner to understand real-time what techniques work best. Remember the hide-and-seek game hotter/ colder? Moaning is simply the big-people-version of that game
Just, say it!
You know the saying, "It’s not what you say but how you say it?" Sex is the perfect example of how true this can be. No matter what you say, if you add a breathy, raspy, baritone into the mix, it will sound like the sweetest love song. Take advantage and tell your partner the truth and be bossy about it. Tell them how fast, what direction, what action, what fantasy, whatever! Now is your time to express what you like best.
When the sheets have cooled...
If you are someone who doesn't feel comfortable ruining the moment with a sex lesson, then try talking a few hours before or after the deed instead. Engage your partner in a compliment-sandwich-conversation, whereby you start with a compliment, followed by a tip or something you'd like them to try differently, and end with another positive and reassuring compliment about your love making. This helps you steer your partner in the right direction without knocking their confidence game off.
Put it in a fantasy
You know what realistic people don’t take personally? Fantasies. If you don’t know how to bring up the topic about your preference then wrap it in a “make believe” story. Talk about a “friend’s” experience, a movie you saw, a dream you had or write an erotic fictional email. Your partner should get the hint that your mind is wandering to your promise land and if they are smart, they will follow.